


In Case You Don't Live Forever

by astromirage



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Song Lyrics, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:20:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23980699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astromirage/pseuds/astromirage
Summary: i've waited way too long to say. everything you mean to me
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 79





	In Case You Don't Live Forever

**Author's Note:**

> it was originally gonna be a lot darker than this but sometimes some subject matters just plain out trigger some very bad memories. I also struggled with the formatting so hard, it's never happened like this, so im very sorry if you want read the text but maybe listen to In Case You Don't Live Forever by Ben Platt while you read. once again im so sorry if you can't read the lyrics.

𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙥𝙪𝙩 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙛𝙖𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢𝙨  
𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙜𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙡𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙙  
𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙄 𝙙𝙤 𝙩𝙤 𝙙𝙚𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪?

Kei listens to the rain slap on the vinyl umbrella he holds. The overcast sky somehow drags him deeper into despair. He makes his way into the hospital and up into the room Tadashi is in. He tries not to let his mind run to the plethora of memories that flash through in his brain.

God he still feels the chill that washed through his body when Tadashi's mom called him and told him of the accident. He ran to his restroom and expelled everything in his stomach until it was just bile coming up. Akiteru gave him water and let him be, knowing Kei wouldn't tell him anything. He remembers not going to school for the week that the comatose boy wasn't allowed visitors. 

Kei stops at the door with the name Yamaguchi Tadashi under the number. He opens it and only hears slight breathing and beeping of the EKG machine. He opens the door and steps back and squeezes his eyes shut, for what greets him makes his skin crawl and his eyes water. He wills himself forward and into the room, he falls to his knees at the bed side. 

Kei grasps Tadashi's hand and rubs his thumb in circles. He lets himself go, he feels the bandages that bound him together, that kept it all inside, that kept his tears away from anyone and everyone, he feels them fall away. His cheeks quickly become wet and his throat closes as sobs fight their way out. There he was, the boy who yelled at him to knock sense into him, because the shorter had known Kei for almost all his life, and he knew that Tsukishima wasn't doing his best. Tadashi is there, hooked to a ventilator, and an IV and-. Kei cuts himself off, not trying to hyperventilate, he feels tears flow freely from his eyes. 

He can't believe, no he doesn't want to believe that the boy who always cheered him on, the boy who was his biggest fan, is laying in a hospital, cut up, bruised and broken. 

He nearly sob-screams, clutching onto Tadashi's limp, pale hand. He rubs the hand against his cheek, desperate for the others active presence. Kei knew for a fact there's nothing he could do that would convince himself that he was deserving of the way Tadashi doted on him. He was so, so kind to him, and Kei can't help but think of every time he's told him to shut up. Even if Tadashi said he didn't mind, Kei only feels regret. 

𝙄 𝙛𝙤𝙡𝙡𝙤𝙬 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙥𝙨 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙮 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙩  
𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙡𝙠 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙚𝙙  
𝙄 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙤 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙

Kei knew deep in his heart that Tadashi would be fine, but his irrational, unkempt feelings told him the worst. He finally grows the strength to stand, his legs shake. He stares at Tadashi, the sight of the boy makes him shudder. Tadashi is usually walking ahead of him, Kei following him, trying to be just as good as the pinch server was. But now he was laying, unconscious in a hospital bed, unable to run all those miles ahead of him. 

𝙄'𝙫𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙞𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙩𝙤𝙤 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙖𝙮  
𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙚

He wonders why Tadashi hasn't left him for someone much nicer or open. But Kei knows something for sure. He grabs a chair, placing it bedside and looking down at his feet. 

"Yamaguchi, no, Tadashi, I have known you for so long. And you've always been right by my side. I don't know if I've been that good to you, at least as good as you've been. But god, I'm sorry Tadashi." He cries, leaning his elbows on the bed. "You're my best friend, and I don't deserve you. I know that, but I can't lose you."

𝙄𝙣 𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧, 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙣𝙤𝙬

"I need you with me Tadashi. You're all I got, you're the only one I have." He once again grasps the others hand. 

𝙄 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙡𝙡 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙬𝙧𝙖𝙥 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙖𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙

Kei holds the hand to his forehead and sighs out a very shaky breath. "I love you Tadashi, I love you so much." he screws his eyes shut, squeezing out fat tears. "I don't deserve your love, and I'm sorry that I've waited so long to tell you."

𝙄𝙣 𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧, 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙩𝙝  
𝙄'𝙢 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙖𝙢 𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪

"I know you're gonna make it through this. I know, but I can't help but think the worse, and," he lets out a very short and wet laugh, "I don't even know if you're able to hear me, or if you'll ever get to hear me say this, I need to tell you." he clears his throat and coughs, "That time that you yelled at me, no, make that the two times you yelled at me, what you said was the best things you could have said to me. You constantly show me to be better, whether you realize it or not." 

He rubs Tadashi's hand with his thumb gently and he kisses his hand. 

𝙄'𝙫𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙  
𝙇𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙣, 𝙞𝙩'𝙨 𝙚𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙚  
𝘽𝙪𝙩 𝙄 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚𝙣'𝙩 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥𝙚𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙞𝙩  
𝙒𝙚, 𝙬𝙚'𝙫𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙡𝙮 𝙜𝙤𝙩 𝙨𝙤 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚  
𝙄'𝙢 𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙮 𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙚 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙚  
𝙄𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙞𝙙𝙣'𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙞𝙚𝙘𝙚𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙚 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙥𝙞𝙚𝙘𝙚𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪

"I love you so much and I don't want you to," Kei's voice cracks and he sobs. "I don't want you to die, thinking that I didn't love you, just because I refused to let you in. If I could never tell you how much you matter to me, it would break me Tadashi." Kei, despite already crying for such a long time, garbles a sob out and sets his head on the bed. 

𝙄'𝙫𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙞𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙩𝙤𝙤 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙖𝙮  
𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙚

"I have loved you since you moved in next door and you asked to play volleyball. I don't know why it's taken this to make me get my act together." 

𝙄𝙣 𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧, 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙣𝙤𝙬  
𝙄 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙡𝙡 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙬𝙧𝙖𝙥 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙖𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙  
𝙄𝙣 𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧, 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙩𝙝  
𝙄'𝙢 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙖𝙢 𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪

"I don't-" He pauses and sets his forehead on Tadashi's hand. "know why I decided to tell you now that you might die. I'm so sorry. I've been telling you I'm sorry too many times but it's because I am. You don't deserve to die, thinking that I had nothing but love in my heart for you." 

𝙄 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙖 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙤 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙄 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙 𝙤𝙣𝙚  
𝙄 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠 𝙪𝙥 𝙩𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙄 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙚  
𝙄'𝙢 𝙖 𝙢𝙖𝙣 '𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙖𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙚

Kei runs out of words and just sits in that chair, in that hospital room, crying at the side of the unconscious high school student. He finally lets the memories flood his brain, causing stomach cramping sobs to escape. The visual of Tadashi jumping to land a perfect float serve, or him practicing extra so he can catch up with his peers, it inspires so much in him. Whether it's good or bad, Kei doesn't care. 

"Tadashi. You're the only person I need, you're my best friend and my first love and my biggest supporter and my hero. I need you to be okay. Please be okay." he whispers, tears running onto the mattress. 

𝙄𝙣 𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧, 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙣𝙤𝙬  
𝙄 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙡𝙡 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙬𝙧𝙖𝙥 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙖𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙  
𝙄𝙣 𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧, 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙩𝙝  
𝙄'𝙢 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙖𝙢

Kei feels nothing but overwhelming sadness envelope his body as he clutches Tadashi's unmoving hand. He finally lets a big, wail out, one straight from his stomach, that reverberates in the room. Kei just wants his best friend to know that he loves him with all his heart, that he cherishes him more than anything in the world. But he's stammered that out repeatedly for most of the time he's been in that hospital room. 

Kei wipes his nose on his sleeve and sits back, squeezing out tears again, his eyes stinging, which brings about more tears. He looks at the ceiling and holds onto Tadashi's hand, hoping that he'd wake up soon and smile and laugh and be able to play volleyball again. He holds it tight and firm. 

𝙄𝙣 𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧, 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙩𝙝

"Tsukki." A soft, crackly voice states, glee seeping its way into the word. 

𝘼𝙨 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙨 𝙄'𝙢 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙨 𝙄 𝙖𝙢, 𝙨𝙤 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter: @kakyoinsplash


End file.
